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Things Lawyers Think And Should Never Say 
7th-Jun-2007 10:41 pm
Reborn - Yamamoto CHIBITA
How do you spell "a headache" in just one word, with as many letters?

A - F - F - I - D - A - V - I - T.

to be honest it isn't really a headache, but that's because it's kind of breaking my brains, a lot.

Welcome, one and all, to tonight's first (and certainly not last!) episode of Call Me Unprofessional. We kick off with the opening segment,

Things Lawyers Think And Should Never Say

1. I think the defendant and plaintiff are both lying.
(only the judge can say that)

In the days to come, I'm sure I'll come up with a whole lot MORE to add to the collection.

And also,

Things Lawyers Really Shouldn't Say

In this jurisdiction we open with, "May it please the court." The occurence of the following small mistake is not entirely uncommon:

#1: "May I please the court."
And please may you not have a particularly sadistic judge who'll look at you, s m i r k, and say, "Why, yes, you may please the court.

Usually if you're proving facts in a case, you need to prove to the judge's satisfaction that these facts are true. I have actually seen this in the law reports:
#2: "The defendant has not satisfied me."

And the last one really is a visual slip of mine, for once I was stressed out while reading a case and mistakenly read the quite innocent sentence of, "I have convicted and sentenced him accordingly" as "I have convicted and seduced him accordingly".

I think this probably happened because when I was young I read a sign entitled,

(from here)

Top Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't...
1. Think you can get me off?

I just come from a family (and an extended family) who like to bring me every single last lawyer joke they hear, so... Typical transcription of such a situation:

Mom: "What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?"
Mom: :D "A Rottweiler."

See: I really watching hate movies (and TV shows, and dramas, and whatever) about the legal profession. I really do. It's not so much for the sheer inaccuracy that you often get, it's just that - look, it's what I study and do for a living, I don't need or want and I certainly don't have to look at it in my free time, too. (I made a similar comment when I talked about Phoenix Wright before. It's not the game, the game's fine, no complaints. It's just that sometimes, when you live it, you don't want to play it.)

But this really made me laugh: Jon Heder's upcoming movie, Moving McAllister, has a summary that begins as follows:

"Rick Robinson is an intern at a prestigious Miami law firm, spends his days making copies and dreaming of becoming a real lawyer. His dream is about to come true. In four days he will take the bar exam, and be free to practice law."

I just find the idea of being free to practice law hilarious. But then when you work eight-to-eight days (and you know this counts as pretty damn good... I guess I just have a different perspective on things.

But Jon Heder plays a scruffy hitchhiker in the movie. Oh oh oh and this morning when I went to work (I usually come in at eight in the morning, but before I go into the office I like to sit in the grassy patch in the centre of the business district, and watch the huge television screens and the movie advertisements. It makes me happy. And read the paper and watch the people and look at the grass. And today the paper had this massive wraparound Surf's Up advertisement: man, what's not to love, it has penguins voiced by Shia LaBeouf and Jon Heder! ♥ I was vaguely interested (even though I still think that it's been Penguin Overkill for the box office, what with March of the Penguins and Happy Feet and that really was quite enough penguin movies in the space of a year, thank you), learning Shia was in there made me really want to catch it, and now Jon's in there too, I really really really want to go. ♥

Also, what goes on behind this cut is best described with this quote:
You're the girl -


One of my fellow pupils told me recently that she noticed that once it gets towards the end of the day, I start laughing a lot. And the real reason I do it is because I'm so stressed. Happiness is my coping mechanism for stress, so the more stressed I am, the smaller the things that make me happy. Example?

The three of us pupils were walking back from lunch one day, and I saw a flock of the tiniest sparrows ever flutter up from their spot on the grassy patch and soar a short distance away, and then come down. I forgot myself and squealed, and then exclaimed, "How cute! ♥"

At which the other pupil laughed and said, "You're so cute! Can I adopt you as my little sister?"

And the other day, close towards the end of a long day, I was walking down the corridor and then I started thinking about Blades of Glory showtimes, and subsequently became very amused at how happy the thought of that made me, and then I started laughing, because it was such a very silly little thing to be happy over. My fellow pupil saw me, and asked me why I was laughing, also curious (and amused). I told her the truth and she was even more amused, and said I was cute (because such a small and also very random thing makes me happy).

It's usually during examination periods that I'm the most stressed, and paradoxically, I'm also happy then, but that's because the sheer intensity of the stress makes every happy moment in that time so very very precious. It looks like the same goes for work. I do hope that I will (and do think I should) settle down with time, but eheh, for now, I shall just obsess completely about a lot of crazy things, and let cute cats and small birds and really silly things make me deliriously happy.

7th-Jun-2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
my sister's doing her pupilage right now too. :D
7th-Jun-2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
omg is she?! *massive grin* I'm so happy to hear that! ;) MAYBE WE KNOW EACH OTHER? ;)
7th-Jun-2007 03:53 pm (UTC)
You know sweetie, I think the dirty-mindedness is built into every lawyer. = = It sort of feeds into your brain the moment you enter law school.^^ It's in the atmosphere of the law department. :D

I shall just obsess completely about a lot of crazy things, and let cute cats and small birds and really silly things make me deliriously happy.

♥ It's the best anti-stress medicine. :D It's why talking to you makes me happy too! :D

I've been watching Chinese dramas obsessively during this exam period - J recommended a youtube type website for Chinese/Japanese/Korean dramas the other day that has pretty much everything I could ever want to watch. I'm torn between re-watching old stuff that I love, and squeeing over the new stuff and Kaasan is starting to realise how much of a C-drama freak I am (we were talking about really old shows on Singapore TV way back when we were kids and she was O.o at me half the time.^^).

And I think the whole world loves lawyer jokes. = = All my non-lawyer friends love taking a p*** at lawyers every chance they get. *deep deep sigh*
7th-Jun-2007 05:33 pm (UTC)
A lawyer's psyche is filled with filth, that I deeply believe. XDDD Although I do actually notice that those of us who went to the UK pick up on these things a lot faster, somehow?

♥ NIISAN MAKES ME HAPPY. I am counting down to the days that you will be back! ♥ (You must be really really glad Blades of Glory will no longer be showing in theatres and I will be unable to drag you there. HMM. Must plot private screening)

!!!! I DO GET WHAT YOU MEAN THOUGH. I do the same thing with the obsessions, although I think yours may probably have more artistic merit than mine. xDDD You are the original C-Dramafan. Or shoudl I say dramaphile?

Even lawyers who know how to laugh at themselves love lawyer jokes. ♥ omg my heart goes out to you! *snug* It is only my family who does that to me, most of my friends don't. WE FEEL EACH OTHERS' PAIN.
7th-Jun-2007 04:11 pm (UTC)
Yay! for small random moments of happiness! ^__^
7th-Jun-2007 05:38 pm (UTC) - Happiness is a packet of Skittles, sparkly new pyjamas, snow-cones,
and a skating partner who says GIMME YOUR HAND, PRINCESS. ♥

Did you see this article, where the reporter quoted Jon Heder as saying that buddy comedies were like love stories? ;) On the last page of the interview, in blue text, middle column of page, a little before halfway down. On the first page where all the words begin, Jon says that he and Will joke that he (Jon) learnt more of the pretty tricks, and says that Will is like a Boy Scout. LAUGHS.


Also I realise to my great distress that I have a pair of pyjamas that looks disturbingly like the one Jimmy wore in the film, only instead of having a glittery star? Mine has a SNOWFLAKE where the star is.
7th-Jun-2007 04:15 pm (UTC)
Sorry for random lurker response--I found your journal while looking for Abyss stuff and have been watching it since, and since I suck I haven't commented until now. For some reason I feel compelled to respond now though; hope you don't mind~

I totally agree on not wanting to watch shows or play games having to do with your career path! People always assume I watch Gray's Anatomy or House or any and all doctor shows, but honestly, no thank you. Cartoons please. And I don't play Trauma Center either.

Haha, I totally hear you on little birds and kitties. And squirrels, and puppies.... I laugh an awful lot when I'm tired too, and I'm pretty much always tired. I think the only thing that keeps me sane most of the time is that I get so little sleep that I'm too muddled to spare brainpower for anything but studying. XD

Anyway, thank you for all the Abyss stuff you've shared!! I really should have commented back on you know the actual entries. Will do in future. D=
7th-Jun-2007 05:41 pm (UTC)
*grin* Don't apologise! I love meeting new people! *beams* And don't you worry: comment whenever you like, if you want to! *smiles* ;) And I don't mind at all - great to meet you! ♥

!!! You understand too!! *beams* Man, you know exactly what I mean. *GRIIN* I know doctors like that too: the same ones who'd switch channels after ER comes on because it's "too unrealistic", and who'd watch movies and say, "That's not possible, he should be dead by now!" Same people who see a legal drama and go "HEY LOOK" to me and I am, "... don't you understand MY pain, since YOU feel it too?!"

*grin* Little and cute animals are so great. I find walking into a pet shop with lots of rabbits and small animals a great pick-me-up. ;) I wish you could get more sleep, but I know doctors and medical students don't, so - *snug!* I hope you're doing okay and get to rest during the weekends!

You're most welcome! *beams* Glad you enjoyed! ;) Don't worry about commenting if you're busy, it's all good, I'm just glad you enjoyed it. ♥
(Deleted comment)
7th-Jun-2007 05:43 pm (UTC)
It is. :( I wildly encourage anyone with even a hint of interest to try the profession out, but it's a lot of work. Some of it thankless, too. *laughing* But as long as it's worth it in the end.

♥ You're adorable. I hope I kick ass like her too, someday. Legally speaking. XD I'd like to be capable of the legal profession's version of INNOCENT SHINE.
7th-Jun-2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
Usually when someone says I'm "ke ai" it usually means I made a really stupid mistake and they're amused yet not amused at the same time XD But then, you're really cute *pets your head* I don't blame your colleagues on wanting to adopt you XDDD

O_O I would... be the lawyer snickering through every court session if I did law *chuckles at the top 10 lists*

Blades of Glory~ let's go watch on Sunday *flails* XD
7th-Jun-2007 05:45 pm (UTC)
But I think you're really, truly, genuinely adorable. ♥

*griiin!* THANK YOU. ;) I am sometimes afraid I am too CHIBIGENKI for the profession. You make me feel all warm and happy inside. ♥

*grin!* Don't you worry, I think a fair number of lawyers snicker in their heads. But usually if it's their case, they'd be rolling their eyes mentally, too. XDDD (THAT list made me laugh when I was 12 and it makes me laugh now!)

YES, LET'S! *beams* Details on your LJ? ♥ Let me know what's good for you!
7th-Jun-2007 08:54 pm (UTC)
I'm quite sorry to be saying this, but each of those lines sound like they came right out of a Phoenix Wright game.

I'm lying. I'm pleased to be saying that.
10th-Jun-2007 01:03 pm (UTC)
*BURSTS OUT LAUGHING* Why thank you! *beams* ♥ Don't be sorry, I take it as quite a compliment (for I am crazy in a good way that way). ;) Now I know I can always be an insane fictional lawyer, whatever happens! ♥
8th-Jun-2007 05:11 am (UTC)
Things Lawyers Think And Should Never Say

'throw them all in jail, the devil will know his own?' XDDDD or perhaps 'you are SO paying for my new car' ;P
8th-Jun-2007 04:02 pm (UTC) - and speaking of the devil :D
And speaking of the devil, this is one of the earliest "The Devil and the Solicitor" jokes I've heard:

The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients down the river." "Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"


"You are so paying for my new car" happens maybe 20 years into the career (if at all). xDDDD omg, cars. Let me tell you a cracked-up anecdote about that when we next meet! ;)

ALSO I love that one about the devil knowing his own. ♥ SO TRUE THOUGH. XDD
8th-Jun-2007 08:52 am (UTC)
>> Things Lawyers Think And Should Never Say
And this is why I could NEVER be a lawyer!
I'd just declare them both full of crap and WALK OUT. Thx. XD

>> Top Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't
...I shouldn't have been able to think dirty about any of those but I got ALL OF THEM. Dx

And I agree! I'm sure if I were a full time hero that...whined a lot, took out an entire town with a population over 10,000, saw someone that looked exactly like me, had a gay babysitter, and helped save the world- I wouldn't wanna play MY game, either.
But you know, though, speaking of movies that relate to profession, do you know what I find horribly amusing? See, I long to be either an office assitant or a teacher.
I don't know if you have ever heard of that movie Office Space, but I actually enjoyed it because it was hysterically accurate.
And one of my favourite movies when I was young was Kindergarten Cop...I'm totally gunna yell "shut up" to my children! XD;;
^--- That sounds like...something Asch would do, huh?

And, omg, you ARE cute! <3
It's funny, though, because I do the EXACT SAME THING. You should have seen me in my finals week...if it moved, I LAUGHED at it.
So I can relate. :3
Oh, but you just sound so cute when you do it (people are used to me geeking out). XD
10th-Jun-2007 02:53 pm (UTC) - I LOVED KINDERGARTEN COP, TOO!
*beams* Never say never, you never know what you're capable of! *smiles*
I'm sure lawyers must want to declare their clients full of crap at times, but somehow they keep going! ;)

♥ I am so glad you got all of them! XD If it makes you feel better, I got all of them when I was twelve years old. >D

*HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER!* I love that line about the gay babysitter. Oh, and the whining. ♥ But it's my gay babysitter who indulged me. ;)

!! You want to be an office assistant or a teacher? ♥ I wanted to be a secretary or do data entry for ages. ♥ And man, I've always had so much respect for people who want to become teachers, because the world needs good teachers. Even more than it needs good lawyers. I hope you realise your dreams - they're good dreams. Especially that one about being a teacher.

I've heard of Office Space, but didn't know you liked it! ;) What I think is scarily accurate is Dilbert. Especially when they joke about using interns as staple removers, because that actually happens. For real.

!!! I LOVED KINDERGARTEN COP, TOO! I wanted so much to be one of Arnold's kids. ;) And yeah, Asch would completely act like that to someone else's kids - unless Natalia was watching. He'd be really good to his own, kid, I think, because it'd be half Natalia's. ;)

*SNUGS YOU TIGHT* We do the same thing? ♥ Also, you make me smile when you say I'm cute. XDDD And I'm so happy people are used to you (and me) geeking out! ♥ Then we can be our real selves around them! ♥

8th-Jun-2007 02:08 pm (UTC) - Oddly enough, the random quotes make me want to take up law even more! >D
For the sake of breaking future generations of lawyer's brains, and their legal aides, the random people reading the files, etc. :D We've just gotta love situations where their EVERY brain-breaking WORD is put into transcript! >D

Hence, in the light of brain-breaking conversation: I say that the random icon with Asch saying: "Hey Kuzu! Eyes up here!" made me laugh so bad. XDD

And, I think you meant you really hate watching movies, etc... legal.... Yeah. That part.

AND YOU ARE CUTE. And I would love to adopt you too! :D

(Also, this thing just happened while I was on the road just now: This Toyota MPV just drew up beside me, and he had a in-car enterntainment system. And Blades of Glory was playing on it. I kept looking over to the car, and was mightily amused when the first reaction I got was "OMG CHRIS AND MING JIE!". Second one was: *OMGDIESLAUGHINGATABITCHSLAPGOINGONand subsequent kiss and make up scene 5 seconds after that*)

10th-Jun-2007 02:58 pm (UTC) - I encourage everyone who wants to take up law to do so! *beams*
YES AND ABSOLUTELY AND ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? ♥ That's why we love law cases, because all the WRONG must be IMMORTALISED! ♥

*HOWLS!* I'm so glad you liked that icon! ;) It's actually based on the LOTR skit where Jack Black was telling Elrond "EYES UP HERE!" It's one of my favourite Abyss icons. ;) GLAD IT AMUSED YOU as much as it amused me. ♥ Luke's obviously got his eyes somewhere they shouldn't be, but Asch looks... oddly pleased.

You're so sweet! And welcome to adopt me ANYTIME! ♥ *LOVES*

!!!! I LOVE THAT STORY. ♥ Thank you so much for thinking of us, it makes me XD so much. And also I am OH MY GOD how did he get the movie, and WHERE CAN I GET IT TOO? (Though in all likelihood, it was acquired illegally)

HOWLS! You were watching a scene very near the end of the movie where the rival skating team implodes on each other and makes out! ;) In the movie they're brother-and-sister, though IRL the actor-actress are husband and wife. ;)

8th-Jun-2007 04:21 pm (UTC)
Top Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't

OMG THEY'RE HILARIOUS!!! I love the legal innuendo *dreams of the many law-involved yaoi manga *XD

And I love those little Tales of Abyss characters you have in your layout~ Cuuteee~~!!! *giggles madly* Laughter is indeed the best medicine after all ^^;
10th-Jun-2007 03:01 pm (UTC)
*beams* I'm so glad you liked this, and that it amused you! *beams* There actually are several legal-themed yaoi manga, and I've seen some legal-crossover-with-political manga, too. Unfortunately the art isn't always as pretty as suits my taste, but hey, it scores with the subject matter, I shouldn't be too picky. And OH YES there is so much potential for legal yaoi manga! Lawyer/lawyer, judge/lawyer, lawyer/defendant, and so on ♥

!! Glad you liked them! ;) They were made by homura for the layout. Though, my apologies! By the time I'm replying to this I've already switched the layout, eek! I had the previous one for more than a year, and I'm changing now to reflect shifting fandoms and as a symbol of my NEW LIFE (XD laughs!) thanks to the JOB. WAILS. XDDDD

I'm so glad it helped, but also :( to know that you need the medicine! Glad this helped, and if there's anything I can do, let me know? *snug*
9th-Jun-2007 07:40 am (UTC)
What? When? When did the layout change and made you look funky? :o

XDDD I loved all the lawyer quotes. I don't know if I'd be able to last through a court session seriously if they keep saying vaguely wrong-sounding lines.
10th-Jun-2007 03:06 pm (UTC) - *emits hearts at you*
omg I want to say you looked great at your degree conferral! ♥ Your graduation gown looks like the one from my university. And you had great hair, don't knock it! ;) One of my favourite photographs was the one with you and your parents. ♥ It was great seeing Arrch too, though! And your first photograph is so very rose-among-the-thorns. XDDD Great! ;)

And congratulations on the driving license, too!! *CHEERS!!* NOW WE ARE LICENSED TO THRILL!

!!! You noticed the layout change before I could even announce it! ;) YOU AMAZING. ♥ I changed it just this week, actually, in the past three days - I felt I needed a new layout to symbolise the NEW LIFE OF WORK. XDDD *howls with laughter!* Nah, I just wanted a change. ♥ And I am crazy about this movie. ;)

! Thank you! *beams* I'm so glad you enjoyed the quotes! And HEE, I guess those in court actually hearing the words are either steeled in poker faces, or so exhausted by the case by then they don't see the wrongness. XDDDD

Judge: "So, are you going to satisfy me on that point of law?"
Counsel: "I will do my utmost!"

10th-Jun-2007 10:22 am (UTC)
You have a new layout!! :)

It must be some lawyer thing, working yourselves into the groud o____0;; And if work makes you stressed and happy, and happy moments also make you happy for entirely different reasons, you'll be happy mostly and that makes me happy too! xDD

(Going home in 9 days makes me even happier!)
10th-Jun-2007 03:09 pm (UTC) - *BEAMS AND HUGS YOU!*
You noticed the new layout before I could even announce it! *LOVES YOU* Yep, it's a new layout! ;) To commemorate the new movie I'm crazy over and the new job! Heh, or rather, being at work made me want a change. ;)

I wish it wasn't a lawyer thing to work ourselves into the ground! Being a workaholic is so exhausting. I want to be happy mostly! ;) I am happy when not working (because I enjoy the REST and the freedom!) and sometimes work makes me happy too! ♥

(KNOWING I'LL SEE YOU SOON MAKES ME VERY VERY HAPPY. *snugs you tiiight!* Take care and enjoy yourself at the new destination, and I will see you VERY VERY SOON! ♥)
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